Couple

Are You In Love with a Narcissist?

New love, the promise, and the potential of finding your soulmate – exciting. Getting to know someone you like, you being to feel the butterflies in your stomach. The emotional highs and feelings of giddiness are normal – no cause for alarm.


However, it doesn’t last.


Not if you’re in love with a narcissist.


I wasn’t in love with a narcissist, I was a bystander – witnessing his emotional roller coaster rides of relationships for years.


Ladies man


He knew his way around the ladies, but as soon as he gained their trust and they let down their guard, he would just have his way.


The moment they disagree with one of his wishes or ideas, his narcissistic personality would come to light. Followed by a lashing of any secret(s) shared with him in confidence.


Whatever words it took to break you down, reaching for your insecurities. The greater the challenge the more he punched below the belt.


I watched, what they described as handsome, charismatic, intelligent and athletic hurt about a hundred women from as young as I can remember.


Years earlier


You’ve probably come in contact with a narcissist — and chances are you have either share your DNA or your bed with one — it’s more common than you think.


In fact, take a look around you, narcissists are everywhere. They’re often at the center of many dysfunctional relationships.


Yes! charming and intelligent, even kind and caring – at least, the first few months

Heart Break

SecondHand Dating

If you’re dating them, you may initially believe you’ve won the lottery; if they’re family, they may appear to be the Golden Child. Unfortunately, it’s those who are closest to narcissists that are often the last ones to see them for who they really are.


 Hence, my classification of secondhand dating – Just like secondhand smoking, my siblings and I were inhaling all the negatives that resulted from his abusive relationships.


It was very hard to watch someone’s daughter be taken advantage of over and over again. New lover, but same process. Our home was like a hotel, checking in and out – we were often told to mind our business.


Lying, cheating and gaslighting – I wanted to warn them but I was stuck between betrayal, helping and minding my business. We were forced to cover up his nasty behaviour.


Warning Shots

As soon as you show a hint of caring about anything other than your new partner, they get furious with you and label you as selfish. Their mask slips, and you see someone mean, belittling, and unreasonable underneath.


Narcissists have to run the show. Even if they claim it’s not about them, usually they’re front and center expecting some or most of the credit.


I remember seeing him cook breakfast for his lovers – If a narcissist prepares a meal for you, you better believe you’re going to hear how fresh or special the ingredients are.


Relationships with a narcissist are never about the partnership because the nature of narcissistic love is lopsided.


 In romantic relationships, they may mimic what they believe is love based on what they see in media. Sex will often dominate the relationship. They will “do” more than “feel” in a relationship because they have limited emotional range.


Whole package

A man’s job is to protect his woman. If he hurts her, he’s not a man, he’s a boy. Believing themselves to be superior in their relationships with other people, they expect to be admired and often suspect that others envy them.


A narcissist lover is the one that does the selecting of a partner – then take pleasure turning your life upside down. It’s easy to fall in love with one and not realize what hit you.


Appear charming, responsible, and in control. On the surface, they seem like the “whole package.”


Reprogram your mind

We’re socialized to look for a lot of attributes that narcissists possess. Think about all the romance novels, fairy tales, romantic comedy – fantasies. They all highlight handsome, possessive, jealous, and financially successful men!


 The damsel in distress that will be rescued by the perfect …narcissist. He will stop at nothing until he has her, his love will make her feel special, protected, and selected. She will then surrender her entire self to him, allowing obsession to become a possession.


Yup! Sounds familiar.


We have been programmed to love the narcissist and abandon our pride, our uniqueness, and our power in the process. Emptily, existing to serve and appease this person to whom we are bounded to because we want their “love”.


A love that stems from an unhealthy place that is seen by few – rarely seen by others. Narcissists are great at getting us to ignore our instincts and to see only what they want us to see.


Love life

love?

Putting a number to the women he has hurt was much more difficult than I expected. I wrote down Twenty-five (25) names that I could recall. The right number is far pass that – they weren’t foolish to love him. Most were very high-achieving women, educators, managers.


Truth be told he slept with women from here, there and everywhere – some were married. Player? Call it what you will.


He too was legally married – no family was invited.


Ex-girlfriend

One of his ex-girlfriend’s was recounting one night when his sexual desires were denied because her period came unexpectedly. Furiously, he blamed her for allowing nature to interfere with his plans for that night.


In the morning, he got up on her birthday made breakfast for himself, took his clothes from the line, left her clothes on the line and headed for the door.


This was the same man who drove her car around as if it were his. Walked around with her car keys spinning around his index finger, referred to her home as his home (because he spent most days there living like a king meanwhile she was hard at work).


To add insult to injury, he was even trying to get her neighbour into bed!


The Inevitable

Inevitably, every relationship goes through a rough patch. However, all of his patches were replaced with a minefield. One misstep and he went into a narcissistic rage. Uttering words that cut to the core.


For me he was and still is overly critical, spouting out criticisms about me and other family members.


People with narcissistic personality disorder lack object constancy, meaning that, for example, when they are angry with a partner, they can’t see that in the context of the relationship and tend to display only hatred or a desire to hurt the partner.


Can you imagine being with someone that wouldn’t even tell you congratulations for completing a bachelors’ or master’s degree? It took the spotlight off them – narcissists that are quick to tell other people they envy them, but it’s the reverse.


Common Trait:

Relationships with a narcissist are never about the partnership because the nature of narcissistic love is lopsided.

The worse it becomes

The longer we’re in a relationship with a narcissist, the worse it becomes. You may find yourself internalizing the criticism to the point where we really believe everything that bothers or upsets him or her is your fault.

Over time your walking on eggshells around them, watching every word you say or don’t say. You may do the wrong thing to embarrass or trigger them.

Narcissists are good at making people believe that they are the problem and they (the narcissist) are never, ever wrong. They are always the victims.

Breaking free

When excessive affection turns into devaluation, it can be traumatizing and heartbreaking for the victim. Everything you do from that moment on to try to bring back the wonderful person will be futile.

In reality, this person never existed — it was a mask. All the gifts and affection were “transactional,” because narcissistic abusers are always thinking about what they can get out of a situation.

Every move and every choice are calculated. In return, the victim may end up feeling used and like a shell of their former self.

If the victim does break out of the abusive relationship, this hopefully will become clear over time. The fog may eventually lift, and the empty promises become apparent.

Narcissists, in particular, are known for their skills at manipulation, as much as their penchant for self-love. They may use flattery and attention as tools to build themselves up as the perfect partner, the better to gain your trust, affection — and, ultimately, adoration.

Narcissists often learn through experience that once partners see through their facades, the relationship may self-destruct. Once they have convinced you of how good the two of you are together, a narcissist will try to shape your role in the relationship into a member of their “supporting cast.” For this and other reasons, narcissists typically struggle to maintain equal, mutually satisfying relationships.

Conclusion

I guess the saying is true – “If it seems too good to be true, it probably is”. Take the time to love and accept yourself first before you can give or receive love, flaws and all. That’s what narcissists struggle with the most — loving and accepting themselves unconditionally.

24 thoughts on “Are You In Love with a Narcissist?”

  1. I couldn’t image how hard this would be for someone. I’m not in love with one but my mother is one. That’s hard enough.

  2. Wow, I’m sorry you have to deal with this and feel stuck between family loyalty and warning women against your brother(?)

    I appreciate you writing this, especially the part where we have to give up being damsels in distress. I think the media, movies and tv have made us believe we have to be that way but really it just attracts narcissistic behavior.

    Thanks for sharing!

    1. Hi Maria, it was actually my uncle and its a bittersweet experience because it was one of the main reasons I started blogging. I wanted to help by sharing and supporting, appreciate this comment..Thanks.

  3. This must be the worst situation to be in, I cant even imagine how difficult this myst be. Glad you have raised awareness of the issue and hopefully it helps some people realise and leave these horrible situations

  4. Been there, done that. My first husband was a narcissist. You are right–there are warning signs. They don’t change either–get out when you can.

  5. This has been my life for I don’t know how many years. Breaking free is the hard part, emotionally draining. Thanks for sharing, its indeed tough.

  6. Narcissists are incredibly hard to identify sometimes, and when you do, sometimes it doesn’t look like what you expect. Or, what if you’re the narcissist and don’t realize it!

  7. Great points on what to look for and what not to look for. I agree that it is very imp to 1st accept yourself fulu before you want someone else to come into your life. Thanks for sharing

  8. All so true, I am very lucky to not have one directly in my home but I do have several in the immediate family that I have to watch my sisters deal with on a regular basis. Which is exhausting for me to watch, I can not imagine their struggle trying to break free, over and over and over again and not succeeding.

  9. This was such an interesting read. I have dated someone in the past that had similar qualities to a narcissist, but I think they were so concerned with themselves because they had self-esteem issues that were caused by a critical and completely socially unaware parent. Psychology is so interesting.

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