How I Survived a Narcissist (Enough)

There are three types of narcissists - exhibitionist, closet and Toxic.


According to a post on Business Insider, a toxic narcissist takes it a step further.


Not only do they want attention.


Narcissist also want everyone else to feel inferior.


They tend to be sadistic and enjoy hurting other people, thriving on their fear.


Remember whenever the mirror told the Evil Queen that Snow White was prettier than her, how it drove her crazy?


This is because the spotlight was now on Snow White.


So she decided to kill Snow White and keep her heart in a box - you know the rest of the story.


That’s an example of a toxic narcissists craving chaos and destruction.


A narcissist enjoy feeling that they have created havoc for someone else.


Based on that definition my Uncle is definitely a toxic narcissist like the Evil Queen in Snow White.




Superior in their relationships

Persons with Narcissist Personality Disorder (NPD) may be extremely sensitive to failure, defeat or criticism.


When confronted by a failure to fulfill their high opinion of themselves.


They can easily become enraged or severely depressed.


Because they believe themselves to be superior in their relationships with other people.


Expecting to be admired and often suspect that others envy them.


A fact that sounds way too familiar – entitled, having their needs met without waiting, exploiting others.


And how can I forget that their needs or beliefs are next to the Holy Bible!


Anyone that dares to go against their way is deemed to be less important.


As my dear Uncle would call us “ambitionless John crows” or whatever he saw fit, whenever we disagreed with his demands.


Their behaviour is usually offensive to others, who view them as being self-centered, arrogant, or selfish.


But let’s not confuse self-centeredness with self-esteem.


Self-esteem doesn’t lead to putting oneself first to the detriment of other people’s needs and rights.


So for years my family and I thought it easier to just go along with his demands to avoid the coldness, rages, and embarrassment.


Enraged

I remembered when he ripped the bathroom door from its hinges.


Threw it down the stairs along with the shower curtain and everything else in sight.


Then he sat at the top of the stairs enraged. No one dared to ask to access the bathroom.


A few months prior to this incident he had installed two cameras.


One now had full view of the interiors of the bathroom, the only bathroom in the house.


We grew up as one family, now we were just co-existing in the same house, with no conversations.


Not a single word was exchanged with him, he basically became invisible to everyone. Everyone, but my brother.


His anger was at boiling point – he thrived on chaos.


You did that to a child?

Unlike chaos, we gave him harmony.


So when the lid of the toilet became loose while my brother was using the bathroom.


It was his opportunity to disrupt the “harmony”.


He became so livid, he screamed at him so loudly that the neighbours heard – then he banished him from using the restroom ever again.


Just like me, my brother (the youngest of my Mother’s three children) looked up to him. In his eyes, he could do no wrong.


He really adored him and basically became an extension of him like a tail.


We didn’t saw it fit to keep him from having a relationship with him.


He was the only one in the family that extended unconditional love & admiration to him.


I noticed even when some children got abused, they tend to forget and forgive quickly, my brother was no exception.


But this time was different.


I sat listening to him recounting every hurtful word he spoke to him before banishing him from using the only bathroom in the house.


“Mommy is shit, you are shit and even little me is shit!” he told me tearfully.


He really believed him.


That child was so afraid to even venture near the bathroom or anywhere he occupied.


And when I was told that my brother screamed: “Don’t talk to me, I don’t like you!".


At this same Uncle, when he was trying to engage in playful conversation with him afterwards.


I knew that I had to get them from this toxic environment.




The Breakdown

He was bragging to one of the neighbours how he paid 500 USD on the rent.


He proudly, added that he had barred us from using the only bathroom in the house.


But when the neighbour then expressed disagreement with his actions towards us.


He was quick to state that she didn’t understand the hell we were putting him through.


 A classic narcissist move.


I felt backed in a corner with nowhere to turn, I bawled, I prayed, my hope and faith now ran dry.


House hunting was very unsuccessful and after a series of disappointments I started to question God.


I questioned his existence.


I said “God, if you are real why have you forsaken me?”


I am not perfect, but I treat people good, I show love, respect and gratitude.


I work to provide for myself and my family, what wrong have I done?


Honestly speaking, the thought of suicide visited my mind briefly a couple of times.


Depression visits us all, but we should never make it feel too welcomed because it wouldn't end the sorrow. It would just pass it on to the ones that loves us dearly.


But we were fighters, we still managed to laugh in the midst of our pain and distress.


This angered him, he would watch us and tried his best to listen in on our conversations.


With every cruel tactic we gave him the same result - zero attention.  


Puzzling behaviour

Whenever something was going wrong in his life we would know because his abusive behaviour would reach its peak.


He gossiped and tried his best to disgrace us.


I mean, this is the same man that will be the first to share and eat from the pot of food we prepare, which he doesn’t contribute to.


And with a full mouth, would turn to gossip that his family was nasty.


Yet you continue to eat form us each time – puzzling, isn't it?


Light bill, water bill, the gas or groceries, he made little or no contribution and as I mentioned already - he didn’t pay the rent.


He couldn’t keep a job because he didn’t get along with people for very long.


All his money went to buying clothes and entertaining himself.


I don’t even know if he supports his child financially though he is present.


Rarely he would contribute to bills, maybe two or three times for the year!


And here he was executing and another round of his abusive episodes on us.


Flipping the story around to his friends to make it seem as if we were the ones not paying bills and living free.


As if we were the ones living off his back. We were ungrateful, we were beneath him and ambitionless. Gaslighting - imagine hearing someone telling you that all your life.


I've had Enough of You

Enough was enough, the stressful environment was surely taking a toll on me, on us – our physical health was deteriorating.


His actions were just a revelation of his insecurities; he hated the fact that even though he treated us like garbage we still managed to strive for something.


For him, it was ok to do good but never better than him. You see, a narcissist creates a hostile environment to make people go against each other —they divide people, to conquer and gain power over them.


But our family stuck together. It did work at first but then he ran out of pawns – the game was up!


Narcissists like to manipulate others by influencing emotions like fear and anger, and with threats and lies.


Redefining reality by repeatedly fabricating fiction and arguing about it as if it were fact.


Presenting alternative facts, which leads listeners to question their own understanding of reality.


His Side

This narcissist now stood before me laying out his threat. I felt no fear, but this was not enough in his quest for chaos, he also sent a voice note to my other uncle threatening him and all his other siblings.


He expressed his hatred in a voice note.


He called out each of his brother's and sister's name and promised them each a bullet to the head!


I reported him - now he had a chance to have his side heard. But everything was in reverse!


He started by saying that we were evil and he has always extended only love towards us.


"I never barred them from using the bathroom, Sir" he explained playing the victim, " I only take off the door because I am renovating, I never stopped them, it's was just their conscience".


He even went further to explain to the Police officer that the whole town hated him and were the ones causing the trouble.


Even the Police Officers were confused. The lies just kept mounting - but only if he knew that today was the last day of his abuse.


Finally

At last my prayers were answered, I got a decent home to move into.


The owner selected me. She never met me and there were plenty of other people there.


So, why me? She told me she prayed about it and God selected me.


I kept hearing her voice, “God selected you!” I was speechless, just absolutely speechless.


Many, like myself, have been hurt by a narcissist and many more will get hurt.


I thank him for making me find my inner strength. I developed a thicker skin and a stronger mind but I also had to forgive a man that was not sorry.


I say this, forgive them and set boundaries because it is the only way to unchain yourself and be free from that trauma.


At the end of the day, he is still my relative but I am a much happier and stronger person without having a relationship with him.


Forgiveness was key to heal; it was more for me than him. Over time, whatever he said I no longer took personally.


Persons with this disorder will lie to others about you and give themselves glory to hide their own insecurities but the truth always find a way to seep out and come to light.


Manipulation can only get people so far and no more, just remember you can fool some people sometimes, but you can’t fool all the people all the time.



Relationships with narcissists — whether romantic, familial, or professional — very draining

He is not all bad, in fact, a lot of people would dismiss any negative words spoken about him.


They don’t know that side!


They know him as that great guy from way back, who would believe a word I am saying?


But that charming and charismatic person he showed to everyone had a deadly personality behind that mask.


He knew his way around the ladies, and as soon as he gained their trust and let down their guard, he would just have his way.


And that moment when they disagree with one of his wishes or ideas, his narcissistic personality would come to light. But his love-life is for a whole different post.



The Conclusion:

Typical childhood self-centeredness must change to pave the way to mental health in adulthood. To grow up and be able to function well in families and society. Children must gradually gain both the ability to see other people’s viewpoints and empathy for other people’s suffering.

 So, healthy kids should gradually show sincere signs of caring about the well-being of others. Not developing empathy while growing up is a warning sign of developing a serious personality disorder as an adult, including the narcissistic type.

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